Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A New Baby Is Coming

 Let me begin my explaining what it has looked like in my head the past few weeks.

"Well, that family has four girls.  Maybe I could have four girls too."
"But, if this baby is a girl, then... it isn't a boy."
"And if it isn't a boy, then I won't get to hold my David Jonathon."
"Maybe there is no David Jonathon."
"But maybe, maybe there IS one!  Maybe we'll have a boy!"
"Just imagine, a little boy... could I do it?  Could I teach a boy all the things he needs to know?"
"Well... maybe it will be a girl."

Thus I went round and round in circles, my pregnancy hormones taking me up one side and then down, down the other, and then up up up I would go again.  One moment elated at the thought of another girl, and then sad at the thought of no boy.  The next moment excited at the prospect of a little boy person running around this house, and then sad at the thought that I wouldn't have one more girl child to wear all my favorite pink outfits one more time.

It was exhausting.  But the day finally came, and we all got dressed and ready to go "meet" this newest little baby.  In the car on the way there, Hallie firmly declared herself to be of the "boy" opinion, and Hanna was firmly in the "girl" camp.  Heather remained staunchly neutral.

I was nervous, as I always am on the way to the ultrasound, worrying about seeing baby's bones and heart and brain, and making sure baby had all baby needed to be healthy and strong.

The technology has improved so much from when we saw Hallie this way, I could immediately pick out fuzzy grey features and limbs, and it was fun to point them out to the girls and see them get excited about baby - watching this new little person become a reality to them.

And then the technician asked if we were ready to hear.  Now that I knew all was healthy, I was much more relaxed.

"Well," she says to us with a smile, "looks to me like you're going to have one more girl!"

And we all cheered and laughed, and it was a perfect moment.

But then, in the quiet corners of my heart,  I grieved.  I said goodbye to dreams of a Lightning McQueen Superman Jake the Neverland Pirate Mickey Mouse person.  Gone now were visions of a little boy all dressed up to show off his heroes, running to the door when his real Hero comes home, squealing "daddy!" all the way through the house.  I closed the door on the image of a boy with sunshine in his hair, and blueberries for eyes, and apple pie cheeks.  I packed him away with other childhood dreams that have come and gone, and went back to rejoicing with my family over news of baby girl.

Because I really am excited.  Clearly, I love girls.  Clearly, I have fun doing flowers and pink and braids and dolls and princesses and all of that is a good time.

In quiet moments throughout the day however, as my body reminds me that this really has to be the last baby, I've tucked that dream of David a little deeper in the softest corners of my heart.

I'll tell you this.  My girls better warn their husbands when they get married - I never got to have sons, and I plan on loving the men they pick like they were my own.  These men may be grown all out of Lightning McQueen and Jake the Neverland Pirate, and I certainly hope Mickey Mouse, but if I hug them tight, and hold them long, I hope they understand.

They will be the boys I never had.

17 comments:

  1. You are awesome Amy! I love that your girls got to be a part of the day. I'm so excited for your family!! So much fun to be had for you all!!

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  2. Oh, Amy, I'm crying too. I wanted to call you all day, but then I kept chickening out. I am so sorry that there is no David Jonathon. He would have been amazing. Can I share my Danny with you? If he got all of your, mine, Jeff's, and Devin's good qualities, he would really be something. In between my sobs, I am really happy for you though. Your daughters are so beautiful and kind. I love you.

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  3. I am happy for you! Not going to lie, your girls told me 2.5 minutes after you left, "The baby in my mommy's tummy is a GIRL!" And I just laughed. I swear it was unsolicited information! You and Devin are amazing parents. The world needs Rose girls.

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  4. Congrats on another adorable baby girl! Amy you are truly an amazing person that I look up to so much. I miss you! ((hugs))

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  5. I know the feeling. I went round and round like that before we knew Malcolm was a boy. I so wanted a girl, but was a little terrified - it had started to feel so completely hopeless trying to raise a girl amidst all the princess, "math is hard", pink/purple marketing. But I really wanted one. Yet, a boy would make our lives so easy - we could stay in a small house as they could always share a room, we could pass absolutely everything down from one kid to the next, I wouldn't have to worry about people gifting me a million and one pink items (as grateful as I would've been, I admit I shuddered at the thought). And when they told us he was a boy, all I really felt in that moment was let down. I think we both spent that night a little sad for the girl that would never be. And Gareth really wanted a sister, so he was a little sad also. I'm glad we found out at the ultrasound, because it allowed us to be sad then rather than being sad about it when he was born. By the time he was born we were all over it and just excited to have such an adorable kid. I still felt a pang of jealousy when I found out my sister's expecting a girl, but I'm very happy with my two boys. Anyway, all that to say: I'm sorry you aren't getting your boy. And who knows? Maybe this girl will like Jake the Neverland Pirate and Lightning McQueen?

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  6. Ames, I'm so excited for your little girl! She is going to be amazing! I can't wait to meet her. I am also sad you won't get your DJ. I know you wanted him for a long time, but the world apparently needs strong, beautiful women from your family. I love you!

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  7. Hooray for girls! I'm so very very happy for your family! You are a wonderful example of motherhood. Because of you, there will 4 more wonderful mothers in this world who will raise righteous children.

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  8. Thank you for writing this Amy. You seem to have a way of putting so many things into words that I have contemplated. With three girls at home and contemplation of adding #4, I can definitely relate to many of your feelings. Congratulations on being able to hand down all those cute pink things and being able to always say "the girls" when referencing your kids :)

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  9. Oh Amy, that was so well said. As a mother of four sons and one daughter, I had the dreams and hopes you had, only in reverse, as I secretly hoped for a girl! All I really know though is that EACH baby is a gift from God. As a matter of fact, my last child we named Matthew because that does mean 'gift from God', and he was. Congratulations and enjoy the pink stuff...they, girls AND boys, grow up too fast!

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  10. Very well said. I think we all have that moment of let down when we were dreaming of our little girl or boy and are told its the opposite gender. Its shortlived as now the excitment will overpower the little disappointment

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  11. Very well said. I think we all have that moment of let down when we were dreaming of our little girl or boy and are told its the opposite gender. Its shortlived as now the excitment will overpower the little disappointment

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  12. I haven't experienced it yet, but I think I know what you're feeling a bit. I want a girl SO BAD. I have three brothers (no sisters) and 7 brother-n-laws. I've cried at every ultrasound as the techinican said "It's a boy!". It's horrible, I know. I love my boys though and wouldn't exchange them for a girl any day - which I'm sure that's how you feel about your girls. I'm pretty sure I'll be the mom with all boys. Enjoy those pink outfits for me. Congrats Amy!

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  13. Thanks for the post Amy. I cried, too. Then I went to play with my 2 littlest ones. What I take away from this for me is that I just need to enjoy my kids more. I am sure you have a beautiful angel coming your way. Congratulations.

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  14. My Amy understands girls better than anyone else. It is obvious to me why you have been blessed with four beautiful daughters. They will need you and you will be there for them, making sense of all the crazy emotions us females go through. I am woman, hear me roar! You are the perfect example of woman. Strong, independent, modest, intelligent, nurturing. Let me put it this way, Amy = Sheri Dew. "At first I was afraid, I was petrified. . ."

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  15. Congratulations! Our family had 4 girls too and I loved it! I am excited for you and your family!

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  16. The good news is just because your body says no more babies, doesn't mean you have to take no for an answer. Maybe there is a little David waiting to come into your family through other means.

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