Saturday, May 26, 2012

Make Me Better

The surgery is tomorrow morning.  I went in and out of anxiety attacks all day today: Devin's parents are coming, he's been out of town all week, the house wasn't as clean as I wanted it, I didn't have enough milk pumped for Heather, etc and so on and so forth.

His parents will be here any minute now, and Devin is gone again, but at least he took Hallie and Hanna so right now it is quiet around here.  Heather just woke up from a cat nap and is laughing as she looks up at me from my lap.  I am calm and relaxed for the first time today, and I find myself mostly concerned with the fact that my fingernails need attention and what if I forget to do them before the surgery?  For some reason I want them to look nice.  There is probably some deep psychological explanation for that, but whatever the reason I know if I don't get them done before I go to sleep tonight that is what will keep me from falling asleep.

And so in an effort to keep my mind off my fingernails and anything else anxiety-inducing, I present you with a list of things that help me be a better mother.  There are days when I feel like rock star mom, and I know I am doing alright. Then there are other days I think a trash can would be a better mother than I am and on those days, these things help.

10. Having a newborn baby in the house. There is no judgement in her eyes, and she smiles for no reason other than pure joy.  She makes no demands but to be fed, clean, and kissed once in a while.

9. Steven Curtis Chapman's song Cinderella.

8. This poem my mom had hanging in her laundry room:
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
for babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs
Dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby,
and babies don't keep.

7. This post from Nat the Fat Rat.
6. Good friends and family who tell me I am being ridiculous when I am being ridiculous, and who tell me I'm cool when I'm being cool.  Well, I think they would tell me that if they ever caught me being cool...
5. Air conditioning and fans.
4. Bacon and oreos. (No, not together silly.)
3. This post and this post from C. Jane
2. Reminding myself that when I am kissing my girls goodbye on their first morning of kindergarten, or waving to them as they drive away for their last day of high school, or paying for their wedding dresses I would rather look back and be grateful that for once I said, Yes! Let's play in the rain! and Yes! Let's eat brownies for dinner! instead of No, rain is wet, let's just twiddle our thumbs and No, let's have chicken again.  I remind myself that when they look back on their childhoods they won't remember every single moment, but they may remember a few.  I don't want them to look back and think, "Well, mom never sat down and colored with us, but at least we always had clean spoons to eat with!"
1. Tabitha.  Just thinking about that sweet baby, and knowing that she and other family members are cheering for me makes me feel better, stronger, as if they can help me reach a little deeper for that inner well of patience, or humor, or sanity.


And, when all the above fail, the sure fire thing is sweeping my kitchen floor and scrubbing the counters.  And wearing my yellow shirt and red lipstick.

I am not kidding.

It is a miracle every single time.

4 comments:

  1. I definitely tell you when you are being awesomely cool! i mean, i made you cool, remember? bahahaha (lies)

    And i hope to be a GREAT mom like you someday, who doesnt have it all together, because what fun would that be? booooooring! :) love you!

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  2. You are so cool.

    I felt like a less-than-awesome mom this weekend. We were hiking, and Danny was in a front pack that I was wearing. I had on old sneakers with very little tread, and I stepped on a rock while going up a pretty steep incline. I slipped, fell forward (on top of Danny), and his head smacked a rock. :( Fail.

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  3. ha ha, trash can as a better mother. I love trash can references, usually. I feel like all I do on your blog is tell you that you're beautiful and I love you, but I just get these overwhelming feelings when I read your post! What is up with the red lipstick? Did I miss something here? I'm reading these posts backwards thru time. Maybe it will come up.

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  4. I so have my rock star days and my trash can days too. And sometimes right after a trash can moment I rebound with a rock star move or vice versa...talk about split personality. Here's to the beuatiful painful journey of motherhood.

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