Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Killing It - The Silencer

When I am sitting in the dark holding my babies and rocking slowly back and forth, sometimes I have really deep thoughts.  Sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I think about this one Simpson's episode I watched once where something happens, and then something else happens after that, but the important thing is that because of those earlier things happening this one character who I think is the police officer says, "Make sure to get some shots from the can's angle."  And it is really really funny because

You know when you are talking to someone, and you want to tell them something funny, and so you start to, but then you realize that for them to know how funny it is you have to give them all the background info, and you realize it is going to take ten minutes to get through the whole thing, but you forge on anyway because this is a really funny thing you have to tell your friend, but two minutes in you realize that you are as boring as droopy asparagus on a hot day.  You tell your friend "never mind" but your friend was raised to be polite and so they say, "no, no, go on" and so you keep talking but by eight minutes your friend looks like they are droopy asparagus on a hot day but by this time you're so committed you don't know how to stop and you just hope with all your might that they laugh when you finally (finally) get to the funny part?

Tonight I was sitting in the rocking chair and thinking about that funny line from the Simpsons and how they are making fun of CSI:WhateverTown.  This line makes me smile every time I think about it - and for some really strange reason, I don't know why, I think about it fairly often.  I rocked in the chair, Heather's head slowly getting heavier as she fell into a deeper sleep and I planned how I would write a blog post to share with you all how funny this line is.

At first, I simply came to the conclusion that I was writing up the most bland blog post ever.  And then I realized that I had hit gold.  Listen friends, take notes.  This is what you need.  Next time you're at a party, or a barbecue, or a baby shower, or the car shop and you need a loud group of people to just stop talking and stare at you, this is what you do.  This is it, right here.  Follow these steps:
1. Make a new "board" on pinterest, call it something catchy and mysterious like "The Silencer".
2. Click on the little button on your internet browser screen that says "Pin It!" or whatever it says and pin it to the aforementioned new board.
3. When you need to cause a general silence and have all attention uncomfortably on you, pull out your smartphone and using your 4g network quickly access your Pinterest Boards.
4. Begin reading this post to the person nearest you.
5. The boredom will be contagious, and the silence will spread from person to person as they all turn into mute, droopy asparaguses.  Asparagi? Or is this one of those words like fish, and it just stays: asparagus?
6. When I say "go" make your announcement, or do whatever it was you needed the silence to do.


You can thank me later.  For now though, you're welcome.


  1. And I used to wonder if I was the only one ... thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. :)

  2. You made me think of this quote from J. M. Barrie's Peter Pan.

    "Even Slightly tried to tell a story that night, and the beginning was so fearfully dull that it appalled not only the others but himself, and he said happily: 'Yes, it is a dull beginning. I say, let us pretend that it is the end.'"