Thursday, June 3, 2010

Therapy?

Something is happening to me, and I only know two things about it.
1. I have no idea what it is that is happening
2. I don't like it.

What are the symptoms, you ask?  Here are a few.

It's time to brush Hallie's teeth in the morning. I don't brush them. I start to think about cavities, and the look on the dental hygenist's face when she discovers the cavities.  Whose fault are those? Mine. Fail.

Devin comes home from work. I haven't done the dishes again. Fail.

I have people come over. I haven't swept the floor, picked up the toys, or done anything really to make it look nice. Fail.

The scary part?  I don't really care.  Me! The person who still has nightmares about forgetting to to homework!  Failing is one of the biggest fears of my life... Sometimes I can bring myself to care again, when I think about how cavities hurt and it's not fair to Hallie if I make her go through that because I am lazy. So we go brush. And sometimes I can bring myself to care when I remind myself of how much Devin does for me every day, and I get up and go do the dishes.  But even then, not always.

So what am I doing instead?  Sometimes I find myself laying on the couch or my bed, staring out the window. How much time has gone by?  Sometimes I find myself reading books. For hours, and hours, and hours.  (This is an old, and familiar escape habit of mine.)  Sometimes I don't even really know what I did to fill up all the hours of a day.

So, now, if you're following the same train of though that I always do, you're thinking I'm depressed.  And maybe that's what this is about. Yet, at this point I always tell myself to stop being so dramatic.  I guess I am in no position to diagnose, but I still find humor in things, I still like talking to the people I love.  I don't spend all day sleeping - especially compared to how much I did in high school.

Then I wonder if it's just normal to have an off day like this every now and then.  Maybe I had them before, and I just didn't notice as much because I had more going on.  I mean, I did just move across the country, away from all the places and people that I know and love. I did just have a baby, so maybe it's a little postpartum depression that will eventually go away?  The thing with these theories though, is that I just moved to Nebraska.  Devin and I go to Winter Quarters every other week.  Certainly with the worn stone markers there stand as evidences against those theories.  For those women walked across the country.  They had babies on the trail, and I'm really thinking to blame my new whatever-this-is on my trivial non-problems?

Maybe I should go to some sort of therapy.  Maybe blogging is my therapy.  Maybe I should have my Aunt Phyllis look this over and see what she thinks.  What do you think? Am I losing it?

12 comments:

  1. I dunno, Ames. I am the same way sometimes. For me it is a combination of laziness and depression that adds up to equal just not caring. My cure is to keep myself too busy to be able to get in that mode, but that in and of itself is an avoidance mechanism, rather than dealing with it. I don't know. It definitely couldn't hurt to talk to Aunt Phyllis. She knows a lot of interesting stuff!

    So yeah, I just have to force myself to care and remind myself that developing self control is pretty much one of the main reasons we are on this earth.

    I love you!

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  2. girl, i think you are completely normal :) i feel this way sometimes too. when i am in one of those modes i try to remember that it's just a phase, and to allow myself to acknowledge it, and give it its moment, and then move on. you aren't alone :) love you!! xoxo susi

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  3. I think you're totally normal as well. I think everyone feels that way sometimes - but I also think that everyone can benefit from therapy. I know I have (2 or 3 times). If it doesn't go away, it wouldn't hurt to try it.

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  4. Oh Amy, I think you are normal :-) Or at least I'm calling you normal so I can call myself normal. LOL I have lots of days like those! I think it's called being a woman. Mine is kind of a combo laziness/whateverness and I usually don't care unless it happens for days at a time, and then i feel horrible, and beat myself up about it. Then I have a loving hubby who lets me know that it's okay to have days like those. He also mentioned to me once (b'c i was like i go through these cycles all of the time...)that maybe i go through the cycle b'c it's kind of like a wake-up call to remind that I don't have it that bad...sooo I love you :-) You can always give me a call if you need to talk/vent :-) Miss you!

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  5. I'm going to have to join everybody! It's normal! We all go through days like these. I don't like them and I don't really have time for them, but they come anyways! Take each day at a time and say your prayers! :) Blogging is good for you!

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  6. I say you're normal, unless you know better, and truly feel depressed. (I'm almost always available on Skype if you need to chat!) For me, I have days like this where I just don't care that the dishes are all over the counter, toys are all over the floor (even though I DID pick them up!), crackers are sometimes crushed into the carpet, and laundry is piled up. But even moms deserve a day off of sorts, so this is what I allow myself, especially lately. Usually, when not pregnant, if I wake up feeling like I need a break and really want to read or just focus on me for once, I allow myself a day off and tell myself, "I'll do it to morrow; it's my day off". If something really bugs me because, say, I have to cook something to eat, then I may beg Peter to do the worst of the dirty dishes for me, but I don't let myself feel bad for the messes stacking up, because they do that whether I clean or not! Being that I'm 7 months pregnant, I sometimes have 3 of these days in a row, but I do my best to put my tiny bit of energy into what I think really matters (feeding myself and Annibelle, drinking enough water, asking Peter to change the poo diapers, relaxing, not wasting my time and energy with a shower and makeup so I have energy for the things that MUST be done,....) You get the idea. Now, some days I do this and it's not just because I'm tired, but because I actually do feel depressed (and with good reason), but usually, it's just because I'm tired and have earned a day off! (Even if it's my 3rd in a row).

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  7. I'm with everyone else on this one. I'd talk with your aunt, too, just to give you that peace of mind, and just in case it is PPD.

    You gotta remember, you've had a lot happen, too. You DID just have a baby, you DID just move to a whole new state.

    And hon, I think you look H.O.T. in your sweats, so don't worry about it!

    Love you!

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  8. If it makes you feel any better, I practically never remember to brush Gareth's teeth in the morning. I'm not good with change in routine, and that's one change from however long ago that I just haven't been able to get down. Poor kid. And I hate that failure feeling whenever I have a day like you're describing.

    I don't think you're being fair to yourself if you're comparing your difficulties to people's difficulties from the 1800s. I mean, most of them were probably quite used to walking distances. And having babies in difficult conditions was normal.

    And, otherwise, I guess I'd echo what everyone else has said.

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  9. I think you're doing ok. I have days like that too. and moving is hard. But if you really think it could be PPD, you ought to see your doctor, because that should be treated. Women get it and treating it is the best solution.

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  10. Perhaps you should find a good fail blog... that'll waste more time AND make you feel better ;)
    http://failblog.net/
    http://failblog.org/
    http://www.englishfailblog.com/

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  11. You got a lot of response to this one but I'll add my opinion too. I know that a lot of people say they feel like this sometimes but I feel this way more days than not. And I worry about it... but having had depression I would say it isn't depression. I'm coming to believe it really is just apart of adult life to feel this way, especially a SAHM. I like to keep an eye on my situation though to make sure it doesn't turn into depression.

    When I find myself really disliking it, I tell myself thoughts like "I'm not a machine that is going to feel like doing the dishes everyday or can make myself do the dishes everytime I don't feel like it. I'm a human being and this is life and it's okay!" And it is okay. And I can be happy despite being human and the dishes still in the sink.

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  12. Isn't therapy intriguing? I sometimes wonder if I should do therapy too. Maybe I'm just curious about what a professional would think of me. I wonder if friends are too nice, or just don't know, you know? Anyway, I think when I do stuff like you mentioned it's my form of rebellion. There's rebellion in every stage in life, and I think that mine is manifested in reading longer than I know is responsible and not cleaning up just to show that I can. But I usually end up feeling a little guilt for it, sometimes more than others. So, do you think it's rebellion? Or is that just me?

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