Sunday, December 8, 2013

Sleeping Beauty and Anger

Hello, hello you poor neglected blog.  You sad, sad little thing.  I haven't been myself lately, and I haven't wanted to take it out on you.  So you see, it's me, not you.  I promise.

I've been angry, at my body, at my current state of weakness and limitations.  I get angry about being in pain and uncomfortable and not being able to move quickly, or take care of my children and home the way I want to.

And I do not like being angry.  So then I get more angry.

On Friday on our way to the church Christmas party the girls asked me to sing their favorite Christmas songs to them, and even though I didn't want to because I was especially angry at myself that night, I obliged and began singing.  When I was done with their songs, I asked if I could sing my favorite Christmas song.

And then I cried the whole way through the song.  And then entire drive to the church I cried.  I was just so tired, and even more so tired of being angry.  It is exhausting to be angry.

I had one of those moments where you just have to slap yourself across the face and say "Wake up!" "Get over it!"  "STOP IT!" I mean, sure, I am going to get bigger and more awkward and uncomfortable and in more pain each day for the next seven and a half weeks.  There is nothing really I can do about that.  While I am grateful that I don't hurt as MUCH as I have in previous pregnancies, I still kept feeling angry at how little I am able to do.

So.  There is nothing I can do about that.  But I can choose to be angry about it, or not.

That's my choice.

On Friday I abandoned my anger, and my insides just feel all better.  My emotional insides, you know.  My physical ones are still very aware that there is a baby inside me that probably has far more limbs than it really should.  Honestly, I don't remember with the other three that it hurt so much when the baby moved.  Uncomfortable, sure.  And when they'd stick in your ribs, sure.  But every movement?  I didn't remember that.

Tonight, Hanna sat on the couch and read me stories.  Disney Princess stories, you know.  The thing about my girls is they know who all the Disney Princesses are, because how can you be a young girl in this world and not know who they are?  But the only Disney movie they have ever actually really watched is Cinderella.  You should have heard me trying to read them the story of The Little Mermaid.  They were completely baffled.  I didn't try too hard to get them to understand it, it being my very least favorite story of all time.

Anyway.  There's Hanna, "reading" me the story of Sleeping Beauty.  It went like this:

Sleeping Beauty was a lovely girl.  She loved all the birds and her owl.  "But wait, there's more!" she said.  "I have a blue dress."  And she did not like the dragon.  But she did like her prince.  And then she lived happily ever after.

I like that story.

My other favorite thing about today, is that Hallie kept trying to talk about when she and Hanna were younger, and she doesn't know the past form of the word "fit" so every time she said "fat", as in "When Hanna was little and she fat in that dress" and I can't help myself, it's funny.  We taught her how to say it right, of course, but part of me is sad that maybe she won't say it that way anymore.

Speaking of which, Heather makes me laugh every time.  When she asks for something, we tell her to say please.  She does.  "Please!"  Then we give it to her, and I ask her to say "thank you".  And every single time, she nods her head and says, "Welcome".  Awesome.

That little girl has the chipmunkiest smile you ever saw, and it's a good thing that she isn't a naturally naughty little person because between me not having the energy and her ridiculous smile, I would be in big trouble.

And, the only other piece of news I can think of to share is that Devin has officially declared that I win the spelling war, and we can name the baby Hazel.  He still isn't "happy" with the 'z', but he says I can have it.  Thanks, honey.

If you are wondering, my favorite Christmas song is "O Holy Night".  You just try singing it when you are feeling lousy about yourself and not cry.  I dare you.


  1. :( I wish I could be there and do all the things you wish you could be doing. :( I wonder how much tickets from Nebraska to Brasilia cost . . .

    Only seven more weeks! You can do it, sister!

    I have been singing Christmas songs to my kids every night this month. Jill will have the Twelve Days of Christmas memorized soon, I think. :)

    Your kids are so cute.

    And I think we never liked the Little Mermaid, because we knew the way it went in the Hans Christian Anderson version. Dismal and gross.

    I can't wait to see Heather's smile again. :)

  2. How did Devin want to spell Hazel?

  3. I've had a few days where I've been angry too. So not fun, for anyone! And so far for me the pain of the baby moving seems to increase each pregnancy. With Hyrum it was just uncomfortable, with Porter it would hurt just a few days before he came, and now occasionally it hurts already. Ugh. I feel ya.

  4. Ummmm, how else do you spell Hazel? Inform Devin that the real spelling will always be infinitely superior to some made-up one. :) And your kids are very cute. Good luck with the last 7 weeks!

  5. You do hard, yet amazing, things. You go on and cry about it. But I do love how you ended with all the things you like. Way to keep a good perspective. The pendulum swings, baby. It swings.

  6. Hallie's use of fit and fat made me laugh. Good stuff. Haha. So did Hanna when she said "but wait there's more!" Classic! Hang in there chica! I believe in you. Also, congrats on winning the spelling war. I can't wait to meet this little one. :)