Falling Asleep With Aliens
Last night as I lay in bed, something awful started happening. I could feel it in the top right quadrant of my right knee. It was some kind of involuntary twitch.
Have you ever felt that? It's like being pregnant, when those tiny baby limbs are pushing and poking you from the inside and nothing you do will stop it from happening. You have no control.
But this was worse. Much, much worse. I lay in bed next to Devin, who had fallen asleep as always 3 seconds after we laid down. From the outside, my face was a sea of calm and tranquility. But on the inside I was a roiling, raging riot of anarchy and chaos.
"Abort! Abort! This is command central and I repeat, abort unauthorized movement in kneecap!" Nothing.
"Cease and desist all unsanctioned motion in quadrant A, sector B of kneecap R! Cease and desist now!" Nothing.
"The kneecap is not responding, ma'am. Permission to take extreme action?"
Even deeper beneath this war between my mind and my knee, there was another level where I was a whimpering, blubbering little baby, whining in the dark corners of my mind.
"What if... what if it's like you hear about on the news, and I've eaten something, and somehow got something inside me, and any second now 200 tiny spiders are going to erupt out of my skin and go crawling all over my bed?"
"Mommy..."
"What if... what if it isn't spiders. It feels more like one big thing that two hundred tiny things... what if it's an alien baby in my knee?"
"Alien baby..."
"MOMMY!!!"
At this point I had freaked myself out so much I was really almost crying, convinced there was a foreign, and living, thing in my knee.
But then it stopped.
And I fell asleep.
And my knee seems fine this morning.
Phew.
Have you ever felt that? It's like being pregnant, when those tiny baby limbs are pushing and poking you from the inside and nothing you do will stop it from happening. You have no control.
But this was worse. Much, much worse. I lay in bed next to Devin, who had fallen asleep as always 3 seconds after we laid down. From the outside, my face was a sea of calm and tranquility. But on the inside I was a roiling, raging riot of anarchy and chaos.
"Abort! Abort! This is command central and I repeat, abort unauthorized movement in kneecap!" Nothing.
"Cease and desist all unsanctioned motion in quadrant A, sector B of kneecap R! Cease and desist now!" Nothing.
"The kneecap is not responding, ma'am. Permission to take extreme action?"
Even deeper beneath this war between my mind and my knee, there was another level where I was a whimpering, blubbering little baby, whining in the dark corners of my mind.
"What if... what if it's like you hear about on the news, and I've eaten something, and somehow got something inside me, and any second now 200 tiny spiders are going to erupt out of my skin and go crawling all over my bed?"
"Mommy..."
"What if... what if it isn't spiders. It feels more like one big thing that two hundred tiny things... what if it's an alien baby in my knee?"
"Alien baby..."
"MOMMY!!!"
At this point I had freaked myself out so much I was really almost crying, convinced there was a foreign, and living, thing in my knee.
But then it stopped.
And I fell asleep.
And my knee seems fine this morning.
Phew.
We should have amputated your knee caps in Mexico like we talked about. It not too late ya know.
ReplyDeleteWait a minute ... I don't recall anybody talking about amputating Amy's kneecaps ... I must have been asleep, again missing stuff.
DeleteOh gosh. That sounds like a horrible experience. I hate how powerful my brain can be in making me freak out.
ReplyDeleteMama's here, baby. I'll sit next to you while you sleep. No aliens will be allowed to come out of your kneecap. Mama's have power to kebash aliens in all their forms.
ReplyDeleteRestless leg syndrome?
ReplyDeleteVery glad to hear that your knee was OK the next morning. I don't think you'll have that problem again.
ReplyDelete