Sunday, October 9, 2011

Temporarily Permanent

Sometimes I really panic.  (No surprise to any of you, I'm sure.)  I get stressed, and worried, and anxious and stumble around in a confused state of mind consumed by this thought that has taken over my being and made it impossible for me to focus on anything else.  Right now the disabling concern is that this state of being that I am currently in, physically, not mentally, is permanent.

In one part of my brain I know, of course, that the headaches (I got one every day this week), and the backaches, and the nausea (every morning still, although I do not vomit THANK GOODNESS), and the acid reflux (a new nightly problem), and the sheer, absolute, bone numbing exhaustion are pretty much all neat side effects of making a new person.  That side of my brain knows that in a few short (relatively speaking) months I will feel like myself again, healthy and strong and able to do what I want with my body.

And yet, in another side of my brain, I am terrified.  What if this is who I am now? What if my existence has been reduced to twenty minute bursts of energy, followed by regretting I had ever gotten up to do anything because that brief amount of activity had exacerbated the (fill in the blank with one of the above pregnancy complaints).

Basically, I lay awake at night unable to sleep because running around and around in my brain like a hamster on a wheel is the worry that this pregnancy will never end.  February will never actually come, and/or if it does, the symptoms will not go away and life will continue on like this for me, every day miserable and emotional and overwrought.

Completely irrational, right?  As I write this, it is the other side of my brain that is in control, and that side of my brain is embarrassed that I am even talking about this.  That side of my brain is mainly the one that is in control, but when both girls are fighting over one toy, or when I need to make their lunch but I don't know how to get off the couch, or when Devin is ten minutes late coming home from work, the other side of my brain stages a swift coup d'etat and I am helpless.  I am powerless, lost in the abyss of a tortured mind that confuses something that it knows is temporary by fixating on it as permanent.

AND so, to unite the two parts of my brain, I make a solemn resolution, and I do it here in front of all my friends.  I will take a deep breath, and remind myself that
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die...
...a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance... (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

And as I remind myself I will tell myself that if I need to break down, I will break down.  And then I will build myself back up and get on with my life.  If I need to weep, weep I will.  If I need to laugh and dance, please, come over and laugh and dance with me.  And most of all, I will remind myself that this baby will have its time to be born, and I will feel better once more.
But, I will also remind myself that, in the event that something catastrophic happens and my life is filled with endless days of physical discomfort or pain, that too shall pass in time.  I will remind myself that
My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high... (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8)

So my mantra becomes "even this, is temporary."


  1. I completely related to this post. I have been feeling a lot the same the last two weeks.

    You can do it Amy!!

  2. I totally, totally know what you mean.

  3. I have felt this way durring my pregnancy as well. I have been torn between being a good parent and having no energy and my children watch 6 hours of TV a day! My husband has to constantly remind me that I'm not going to be pregnant forever and I will feel better once the baby is born. Something about this 3rd baby seems so much harder than the first 2. Probably because we are having to grow a baby and run after 2 toddlers! I like your mantra, I think I'm going to adopt it! Hang in there everything will work out for the best!

  4. I'll be your cheerleader whenever you need me. The end is worth the journey.

  5. You expressed my thoughts completely! :) I am not chasing toddlers around... but students age K-12 is mentally and physically draining as well! I agree with your concluding thoughts, and appreciate your motivation. As always- you rock, and I will try to be more like you !:)

  6. I remember that, Amy. Most days that's not how I remember pregnancy, if it's any consolation to you, but reading over your words brought those days back to me. Number three was definitely when I started feeling it physically A LOT more. Plus, there's two others to take care of....Rick's favorite photo is one he took of me when he got home from work. I'm pregnant and asleep on the couch. In the same room are two children happily playing with just about every toy in house, scattered all over the room. That was pretty much life, but it's ok, the little one inside you needs you : ).

  7. Wow, that is the best stated pregnancy-woes blog I've ever read. I will probably link my blog to this one next year (ha ha) when I'm feeling EXACTLY like this. Thanks for putting it so perfectly into words. And, of course, good luck. Yes, you will feel better one day. Sadly, it may still be a while. Miss you!

  8. You as so uplifting. Have you considered writing for Chicken Soup for the pregnant soul?

  9. :( Pregnancy does not always rock.

    But you are gonna make it through this with style!

    I love you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hope it made you feel better.