Thursday, January 17, 2013

Is It?

Is it Cabin Fever?

Is it the Winter Blues?

Is it At Least One Person in my Family Has Been Sick Since Christmas Exhaustion?

Is it The Sun Comes Out Sometimes But I Don't Feel Warm-itis?

I don't know what it is causing it, but I have a bad case of the Eeyore's.  I wander around, feeling slow and invisible and full of "why bother"ness. 

I know my girls can see me, and Devin can see me, and my friends and people in the stores can see me.  I feel invisible to myself.  I feel like there is a heavy blanket on my mind, and I can't remember what I used to do to fill my minutes, turning them into hours and advancing into days.  My brain feels thick and strange, my thoughts coming slower and when they do arrive, I'm not always sure what they mean, and then they dissolve back into the sludge that is passing for my mind these days.

Is it the hypothyroidism?  I've had blood work done, and we all know how much I love that, and then been to the doctor twice in the past few months, and both times he has increased my dose.  I have never been on this high of a dose before, and so I wonder if before he increased it I had fallen victim to one of the nastier side effects - depression. Am I depressed?  If I were, shouldn't I be better now, now that my dose is up?

Then I think, maybe it is some really late developing post partum.  I mean, I have a few weeks left until the smallest girl turns one, can I still claim that? Is that what this is?

All I know is I keep getting sick in my body, so sick that I lay on the couch in and out of fevered dreams and am never really sure what is going on.

And then the germs leave my body and I am healthy again, except that I am still on the couch, in and out of dreams, and still never really sure what is going on.

What is going on?  Do you know?  Does everyone feel like this halfway through January, and I am just coming late to the party, or is it really just me, and there is no party at all?

Whatever it is, and whatever is causing it, I am purging it from myself right now.  Begone from me, vile and insidious nothingness that has taken up root and flourished inside me. 

Tomorrow morning I will take up arms of broom and shield of dustpan, girded about with flowery apron.  I will banish crumbs from the floor and stickiness from my countertops.  I mean this part literally. 

I have a mister and three girls to take care of, and most of all, I have me to start taking care of.  Once I find me.  I've got to still be in here somewhere, right?




  1. It is called Seasonal Affective Disorder, maybe. I am no psychiatrist though.

  2. I think I have what you have a well :( And since Landon is about 14 months old, I REALLY can't use post-partum as an excuse. I blame it on it being January and the end of all the holidays. I don't approve of the cleaning idea, I think you need a nice relaxing pedicure and afun day at the Children's Musuem withthis adorable little girls of yours! Miss you and it's nice to see you blogging again!

  3. Well, just recognizing it and admitting makes you half way to the solution, right?

    I find myself in bouts of nothingness sometimes. Where I really feel like I'm not feeling anything and all I can find energy for is to lie on the couch and do nothing or read pointless things and ignore life and all obligations.

    I bet cleaning would help. There is a lot of satisfaction derived from hard work. I think Courtney has a good idea, too. When I start skipping play dates and the kids' activities, I know my nothingness is starting to take over! (I'm not saying you've been skipping anything. Her suggestion just reminded me of one of my symptoms.)

    I hope you're able to snap out of it soon. And I'm really sad with you that your thyroids have been so out of whack!

  4. And, I meant to add, that January is a particularly brutal month. You've been on this high, stuck in this flurry of activity and holidays and preparations: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and then there is just nothing until Valentine's Day, but it's still cold and miserable and gray outside. But your mister is back at work. And there isn't really that much to prepare for Valentine's Day. And what could you do to celebrate MLK Jr. Day? If you have considered inventing another family holiday, January might be a good month for it. Or, actually, with your family, I suppose you could just go really big with the birthdays, since you have three so close together in January/February.

    I am positive that all of the sickness your family has experienced the past few weeks has had a definite impact on your happiness levels. It's hard to feel joyful and purposeful when everyone is miserable.

  5. Postpartum can occur up to a year after your child is born. From what I've heard from you, this isn't the first time you've felt like this since your last baby girl. It took me nearly a year to admit to myself that I was suffering from something more than just plain overwhelmed-ness. If you talk with your doc they have a good questionnaire to take an honest look at how your brain is doing. I think it's worth it. I think postpartum depression is more common than people realize, it's like 1 in 5 or something? It's why statistics about Utah and anti-depressants irk me. I'd like to take a look at pregnancy numbers and compare to the rest of the population, maybe those ladies are just having more babes and therefore more likely... ramble ramble, did that make sense? I'd need more time to research. Anyway, give me a call, lady friend. We'll chat.

  6. Amy, I'm no doctor (but you know that already) but if these are consistent feelings then I'd have it checked out. I had a lot of problems after my first - a lot of mine was anxiety but some depression mixed in too. After getting some help (it took me almost a year and half) I was so happy and relieved that I finally did. I was mad at myself for waiting so long. I think Nicole is right, it's way more common than most think. Do something nice for yourself and talk to some good friends in the mean time. I hope you start feeling better.
    p.s. I love reading your blog.

  7. I have been feeling the same way. I just don't want to get up out of bed, ever. I am always like this in the winter. It's just too cold to do anything. Hope you feel better soon. Good luck with the meds. Maybe I should try some of those ;-) I always just call it seasonal depression. Thinking of you.

  8. Purposeful activity, be it work or play, is great for bringing you back into reality. Pres. Hinckley said there is nothing like working hard to make a difference in your world, whatever that work and world consists of. I love you and worry about your well-being. You have talked about this before. Perhaps it is a cycle, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to a professional about your concerns! Love, MOMROSE

  9. You, very eloquently, put into words how I feel. I also, have hypothyroidism, and a baby that just turned one. I finally admitted to myself and my dr that I needed some help while I was pregnant with Trent. The meds have helped tremendously and now I am seeing a PU Psychology student that does free counseling through my Dr's office, which has been great to help get some systems in order to organize the chaos in my life and in my head.
    Good luck!

  10. I was also sad to read your thyroid medication has had to be increased again and then again. I hope that you were able to attack your counters the next day and simply wish I could have taken a swipe at those counters for you!

    I do not know what you are going through or how the coming days will treat you; I will confide that the nothingness you face may have been inherited from me. I often struggle with not wanting to get off the couch or out of bed to take on a task or another day; that said I am more fortunate than the burden you're dealing with; for a simple hot shower often washes the blues and stresses away for me and I feel a little adrenalin somewhere inside.

    Twice in my life I have sought help (in NY and IN) with counseling and although I strove for a positive attitude about the counseling I was never quite sure how much they were actually helping me. I am convinced that their efforts were sincere and I was grateful for their desire to help. If I need to talk to someone again, I am confident that I would one again seek help because I do believe in being meek and asking for help.

    I am looking forward to spring flowers! Yesterday I spent an hour cleaning beds in our front yard, the ground was frozen (though grass seemed to be growing)but I picked up leaves and dead plant stuff. Now I'm going to watch that dirt for tulips and daffodils.

  11. Aw, I'm sorry Ames. :/ I think January is kind of a "bleh" month, to use a technical term. I remember Nancy Ellis saying she thought February was the worst month (and by "worst," she meant hardest for us to get out of bed and make it to Seminary) because it's so cold and overcast. I second Pete's idea, because I think I have that, too. Any chance to get outside is good, and any chance to serve others helps. I know that's hard to do, though.

    I've had a friend say that whenever she's feeling crummy, wishing someone would magically come along and do something sweet for her, she turns around and does it to somebody else instead. So maybe think of something you wish someone would do to rescue you out of the blues and see to whom you can pay it forward??

    Hang in there! I bet it'll get better when the winter weather eases up and lets some sunshine through.

  12. I'm familiar with that blah feeling. Although I don't know that mine stemmed from the same thing (prob not given that my most recent bout was in the summer and I don't have any post pardom-anything), but nonetheless I am familiar with the feelings you describe and it's really no fun. So I'm sorry about that. But if you ever need to just get some new scenery I am just a short pop down south. And it doesn't feel like winter here (much). And you know I'd love to see your face!! Just do it. Haha. I love you!