Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Secret

Can you keep a secret?  I hope so, because I'm about to tell you one.

I think about my funeral a lot.  Now I know you probably think I'm really morbid.  I think about my funeral because I wonder what people will say about me.  Now you think I'm really vain.  Well, maybe people will say that I am vain and morbid, but I hope not.  I think about what people will say because I wonder if I am that person that they're talking about in my imagination.  I'm not going to tell you what I imagine (hope) people will say, because I want them to say it at my funeral in 65 years when I am done on this earth because it's true.  It is who I am.

There are days when I feel like I'm really close, and there are other days when "she" feels very far away.  The days when I let myself get bogged down in diapers, doctors appointments, insurance companies, traffic, and all of the other grit of life are the days when I almost forget who I am trying to be.  Then there are the days that I manage to rise above those trivial parts of life - not that they aren't there anymore, but that I've put my focus on something else, say on the beautiful Spring weather, or on how fast Hallie is running these days, or Hanna's new little laugh.


I fully intend on having another 65 years (give or take) before I have to actually plan my funeral for real,  but I figure if I work really hard on it now, and say I reach my goal at age 40, then I can spend the last few decades of my life really enjoying life, and liking who I am, every day.

So, maybe now you think I am morbid, vain and very strange.  Well if that is the case then I have my work cut out for me in the next 65 years to change that opinion to the one I hope you'll have at my funeral.

Who do you want to be?

2 comments:

  1. When I think of you, I think of Mary Poppins: "Practically perfect in every way."

    So when I was younger and thought about being dead, I always hoped that people would say I was enchanting.

    Recently, I've been thinking about my choice of adjective and thinking that perhaps I should aspire for more than just being enchanting.

    Now I've decided to shoot for enchanting, compassionate, and a true disciple of Christ.

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  2. Can I steal this, put it in my journal, and sign my name? Beautifully written. Good work. I am the newest editor for Ross University School of Medicine, and lets just say writing has been on my mind as of recent. You are completely talented.

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