a.rose

I held Heather's soft body in her dark bedroom, rocking her small self back and forth.  Her eyes grew heavy from the motion and the sound of my voice whispering lullabies. Tears streamed down my face. For me, this story, this day, will always start the same way.  We were on our way out the door to go to church when the phone rang. Any other day I would have just let the phone ring, let the machine take a message, and worry about whatever the caller wanted later.  That day a small voice in my heart said that this time, I should turn around and answer it. I will never forget that conversation with my brother.  I will never forget the new tones in his voice, the way he tried to comfort me when I broke down. It was obvious I could not go to church, and I managed to tell Devin that I needed him to take me somewhere beautiful, the most beautiful place he could think of. We got in the car and drove. I have gone back to that same park every year, and I ha...

This summer we went to California to visit Devin's family. Of course it was a great trip, the making of many good memories, all of which were recorded as photos to be treasured for all time. Except, of course, most of those pictures were on Devin's dad's camera, not ours.  We got a copy of those pictures, except that Devin doesn't know what happened to them, so I've never actually seen any of them. On our camera, we had many photos also. That Hallie took. And so, please enjoy a photo-mentary of our trip to California.  If you've been wondering what California looks like from the backseat of a van, through the eyes of a five year old, your wait is over. A COUPLE NOTES:  I did not repeat any photos.  So yes, that happened that many times. I don't know who that lady is. Alright, that about wraps it up.  Grab your popcorn, a buddy to snuggle, and hit the play button.

And now for some pictures of Hallie at the Pumpkin Run.  It was a mile, and while I know she could have gone much faster if Devin had been running with her, we were so proud of her for wanting to do it on her own.  She finished at exactly 14 minutes.  Way to go Hallie!  Before the race. Hallie was a little cold.  The starting line. This is the last heat of the day, the kindergarteners from the "big" schools.  I think there were 10 heats throughout the day. I'm glad Hallie's was last.  She finally came around the bend, so I was able to postpone my panic attack for another day.  Devin always gets so excited by her form when she is running.  A picnic after the race.  It was so great that the run was while my parents were in town. Thanks for visiting, it had really been too long!

Hallie has really embraced kindergarten.  She comes home from school every day and writes all afternoon until dinnertime.  She writes stories, and letters, and draws maps and illustrations. That's actually what she told me she wants to be when she grows up, an illustrator.  I fully support that dream. Last week she wrote a letter to each person in the family.  I include them here, with her own spelling.  For a long time she wouldn't write because she didn't know how to spell each word and would get so frustrated.  Finally Devin and I sat her down and told her just to try.  Maybe she wouldn't spell it right, but if she tried her best we would probably be able to read what it said.  She didn't believe us at first, but now when I can almost always read what she has written, there is no stopping her. Der Mom, I like yoor food. It is yami! Hallie  (Dear Mom, I like your food. It is yummy.) I like wen yoo mak pasta plan Mom.  Hallie...

When Hallie was between the ages of 18 months and 3 or so we would go to parks and zoos and children's museums, like you do when you are a stay at home mom with little kids to entertain.  Hallie would sit on my lap and watch the kids play.  Nothing I did could get her to move from my side. I had mixed feelings about this.  I was happy that my little girl liked me and trusted me and wanted to be near me.  I worried that she would be like me, and always be afraid of people and have a hard time making friends, and would need some extreme life change like moving to Brasil to get her to come out of it like I did.  I wanted to encourage her to explore, I wanted to push her to be brave, but I also didn't want her to think that it wasn't ok to be who she was... basically I was always worried that I was ruining her. I still remember how sick I felt the morning of her first swimming lesson last summer.  At a pool we had never been to, surrounded by children an...

I had just taken dinner out of the oven when the phone rang. The name and number on the caller id was not one I recognized.  I answered anyway because Devin gets a lot of calls from people I don't know who need his help with some thing or another. The words I heard after I said hello were so shocking to me, I couldn't believe I had heard right. "Excuse me?" I responded, wondering who I was talking to.  She repeated the same phrase again, then immediately hung up. I stood, stunned, with the oven door still open.  As soon as my head cleared I ran to every door and window checking to make sure each was locked and bolted. Then I called my mother. "Mommy..." I said, but I didn't know how to explain what had happened.  Words of violence do not come easily out of my mouth, and I did not know how to repeat what the voice on the phone had said she would do to me. "I need you to tell me it was a joke, some sort of really sick prank phone call....

I sat at the kitchen table with my mother.  We chatted as I made graham cracker sandwiches to enjoy for dessert after dinner. Are you familiar with the graham cracker sandwich?  It is simple. Just a graham cracker, frosting, then another graham cracker. We were enjoying cream cheese frosting that evening, the store bought kind, because it was on sale and as much as I wish I were the kind of person that always had cream cheese in her fridge, I am not.* Perhaps this will be one of my life's big regrets someday, but for now I accept it. And this brings me back to my mother and I, sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying those last few minutes of the day before the circus in my living room shuts down for the night and becomes once more just a room with a couch and toys on the floor. "Mom, do you remember we used to make these to leave out for Santa every Christmas?" I asked my mom.  Of course she remembered.  "Did you know that they were my favorite treat?...