Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Postpartum Something

It's one of those things that I can't make up my mind about.  Part of me wants to talk about it, and part of me doesn't.  And part of me shrugs and admits that I wouldn't know what to say even if I did start talking about it.

I don't even know exactly what it was, exactly, that hit me after Hazel was born, and the fog that I lived in that year.  I have wondered if it was postpartum depression, and I have wondered if that is why it is hard for me to talk about it.

I still have trouble finding words to describe my experience, because I don't know any words heavy enough to convey how it felt in my head.  This, written a few weeks ago, is as close as I have been able to come.

we dance
and
we are drowning
in the flames,
burning in the waves

yet the sweet,
sweet agony
summons
it is seductive,
shrieking,
screaming,
the sounds of
a pain so
caught up in
pleasure

a mask of
cocoa mist
obscured by
moss and blood
and still we dance

our eyes closed
so we don't
see the illusion

dreams that would
shatter reality

and force us
to breathe in
clean air
again

my reflection
on a blade
the smiling
grimace
full of
teeth and tears

You watch
above it all
troubled and confused
conflicted and tormented

come on in
join the dance
it is a feeling
not a memory
it is a moment
not a history

we beckon
you obey
held in thrall
just like us
a calling card
caught in the
web, lost in the
maze, trapped only
in your head.

So I don't know what last year was, the way I felt and why, it was an experience like nothing I have ever been through before, and definitely hope to never go through again.

I guess, if you've been feeling lost and confused to, let's talk? Maybe together we can find words.

 

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