a.rose

Hanna's birthday was a few weeks ago and in the days since then I have been thinking a lot about her, and about life, and have generally been overcome with all kinds of emotions.  There is exactly a week between Hallie's birthday and Hanna's and in that gap I went down to Texas to be with my family there and help out any way I could.  The juxtaposition of going from a birthday for an eight year old, to spending a week with my dad, aunt, and uncle who are all now grandparents, and my grandmother who is 95, and then rushing back home for the birthday of a six year old made quite an impression on me.  This is what I do,  and so I do it.  not sure if I am good at it, I know surely I'm not bad.  and this is what I do and so I do it.  Those in my care can be noisy, unpredictable, and at times might even appear to be broken.  But what I have is mine  and I will always claim them. When all of it comes crashing down and there is more than I can hold I...

I remember, and as I wander through the memories it feels as though I am not just remembering but living it again.  The years suddenly mean nothing and I remember how it felt.  All of me so raw and fresh and new -there was this sudden part that I was to play in life, a new role that had been anticipated for nine months but not fully understood even as it was thrust literally into my arms.  Mother. And there, that tiny body, those fingers and toes, those long thin arms and legs.  Those eyes that opened and took in the world and then, overwhelmed and confused, closed again.  This process repeated over and over until the lights weren't so shocking and the voices weren't so loud and the world began to come clearer to her eyes. Her eyes that were so startlingly blue as a baby and then deepened and greened to the color of late autumn grass on a misty day.  Not quite brown, not quite green, you aren't quite sure what color you are seeing and so you look, a...