a.rose

Swimming lessons.  It's the sort of mundane thing a mom has to organize and do that terrifies me. I am afraid I am going to sign up for the wrong thing, and show up at the wrong time, and that my kids will have all the wrong things, and that everyone will look at me and know that I have no idea what I'm doing, that all along I've just been faking it, this job called "mom" that I try to do every day. So I signed them up, Hallie, Hanna, and Heather.  We have been largely unsuccessful with swimming lesson ventures in the past, for various reasons, but now we had a membership at the Y and I was going to just hold my breath, cross my fingers, and fling money at the people there hoping they would make everything right. I got an email reminding me to sign up, and as I had completely forgotten about the deadline and knowing that these classes fill up fast I jumped out of my chair and ran straight past go without collecting $200 dollars and started filling out the f...

I sleep through the night, and then I wake up and I feel so tired, and in my head I feel fuzzy and foggy as if maybe, am I still asleep? I lay down and take a nap and I wonder if I am resting, or if I am just ruining any chance of getting a good night's sleep that night, and so I toss and I turn and all I can think about is that I am so tired. And I wonder when this cycle will end. But it is spring and today there was sunshine and warmth followed by a thunderstorm complete with lightning. Big fat raindrops hurled through the sky at the roof and pattering at the windows, and I thought maybe I can wake up. Tomorrow is a new day, and maybe tomorrow I will wake from this living dream. Sometimes I think, the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner it will be tomorrow and I can test my theory for a new and better tomorrow. And so, good night.